Friday, September 23, 2016

An Awkward Situation

So I look around for jobs constantly. You know me: always on the lookout for something. I get itchy if I'm in one place for too long.

I now have a problem: 

References.

I KNOW he won't be like, "She's a whorible employee." (Okay, I made that word up because I'm in pain and think it's hilarious.)

I know that.

But that doesn't stop me from freaking out when filling out references. Sigh. You just don't know, right? Okay, I know. I'll be fine. But a five-year break of a reference from your boss would be suspicious. So I have to include him.


ALL THE ANXIETY.

PS don't hook up with your boss. Bad idea. It'll probably end poorly. Okay, you knew that. Can you go back to February and tell me no? K thanks.

Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Update on the Story I Can/Can't Tell

So I received a text a few weeks ago from a regional director at Peter's work

"Can you work here? Here's the DOR's name and contact information!" (I work PRN at a few different companies because my full-time job isn't really full time.)

I unblocked him.

Me: "Hi, your boss asked me to come work there. If that's weird, I can tell her I'm busy."
"No! That's awesome."
In my head (ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME) "I won't be there that often and only want to communicate with blah blah blah."
"Okay, whatever you want. I don't have a problem working with you."
"I won't be there when you are, so it won't be a problem for me."

Remember, this is the man who told me, "I'll do anything I can for you forever."

Of course I saw him. My job isn't always 8 hours a day, and I love the SLP there, so I thought I would okay being there.

I started shaking. Then I went into the speech room and sobbed for five minutes.

Two days later, he waved to me. I glared back. Then I sobbed for five minutes. (SURPRISE! APPARENTLY I WASN'T OVER HIM.)

I sent him a text with the help of a friend after yoga.

"I'd really appreciate it if there was no verbal or non-verbal communication between us while I'm working there."
"I have no problem working with you. I get that you're upset. I apologized before. I'll apologize again. I'm sorry I ruined our friendship."
"I will never forgive you. So much lying and manipulative behavior isn't forgivable. and OF COURSE YOU DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WORKING WITH ME. I'm not the one who lied to me to try to sleep with me then be surprised when I have feelings like a human being and walk away."
"That's an exaggeration. As I have said, I'm sorry for ruining a friendship."
"Thank you for diminishing my feelings. You can go back to not worrying about this now."
"Not attempting to diminish anything. I am sorry. I am. I wish I had not caused you distress, and I have obviously. I am sorry."
"I get that you're sorry." 
.......
.......
"I do want to be like, it's okay! And tell you everything because I have so much I want to tell you. But also no."
"Well, if in time, you can stand to be around me, I'll be here for you. I can't fix or change anything obviously." (Still pretty sure he doesn't know everybody knows.)
"I don't think you want to anyway. This'll be easier for both of us."

I actually felt better after telling him this. I thought to myself, "Man, you say super mean things when you're in a bad place emotionally. Imagine how you'd be in a divorce. Maybe you can forgive him. Let's do this."

Then I went to work on Sunday. Someone told me he has a girlfriend. I freaked out. OH, IT'S JUST TOO WEIRD FOR YOU TO DATE WOMEN NOW, HUH?! (I get that it's been months, but I still just can't. It's just more proof that he's a aisjfnvhijashf liar.)

To summarize the text I sent him:

"Hi. Tomorrow will be my last day. I can't be here and be mentally well. It obviously didn't affect you as much as it affected me, but having my mentor of five years tell me he has feelings then take it back has broken me. This isn't about your ruining the friendship. I also ruined the friendship. I'm not as mad about that. 
You may think I'm exaggerating, but I know stuff you didn't tell me.
I would've never let you come over that night if I had known you didn't have feelings for me. You don't just sleep with a crush. --Well, you do, but I would never.-- You dangled that in front of me or I misinterpreted, I don't know. I don't know anything of what happened on your side. How much was lies or manipulation. I don't think I want to know.
You know how I feel about (woman we worked with that I hated). Now times that by 100, and that's how I feel about you. (Okay, I think this is hilarious. Soz not soz.)
I'll still use you as a reference if I need a new job one day though. (Bitch gotta get that money.)
I'm blocking you after this text because you literally could never tell me anything that would make me believe you aren't a terrible person. But I know you don't care about me or my opinion of you. Goodbye."

And you know what? Working there yesterday wasn't too bad after all. 


PS I know I'm intense. I know I'm bad at relationships. I know I shouldn't have been flirty over texting when I first met him. (I didn't know he was married, I promise!) I know five years of a semi-inappropriate working relationship with my boss puts me up for some bad karma. I know the blame is on me too. And I know I'm a shitty person for telling everyone what he did. Shrug. I've never said I'm a good person.

PPS I reallllly wanted to send a text saying, "PS everybody knows. Now you can hate me too." But I didn't.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Tahitian Dance Lesson

So. My friend Janice asked if I wanted to take Tahitian dancing with her. I rarely say no to her, so I said, "Yes! Sounds like fun!" It's only a 10-minute drive from my house. (South Seattle, represent) It's like 95% women of color and two white girls. Awesome.

IT IS NOT FUN. It is literally the hardest workout I've ever done in my life.

Want to try it?

Okay. Let's have a lesson.

Stand up. 

Feet an inch apart. Knees bent. Hips tucked under (keep your core tight). Shoulders back.

Okay, hold that squat for an hour.

Put your arms up in a t. HOLD THEM FOR AN HOUR.

Okay, move your hips from side to side. And in a big circle. Very fast. But also some slow. Some sways. (To "cool down.")

HOLD THAT DAMN SQUAT FOR AN HOUR.

SWEAT LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SWEATED BEFORE. (It's 90 degrees in Seattle right now with no air conditioning in this second-floor classroom.)

CRY A LITTLE BECAUSE YOUR THIGHS ARE SCREAMING.

CRY MORE BECAUSE YOUR ARMS ARE EFFING JELLO.

And that's Tahitian dance.

I thought this was a fun dance class. No, it's a "fun" workout dance class.

IT IS SO HARD.

But I love it.

And one of these days, my hips won't lie. (Right now, they do. They just can't move that way.)


PS this is in no way trying to mock or deride Tahitian dance. I love my Monday class. But it is so so so so so so hard. We had the intermediate class instructor substitute once, and she's harder than our teacher, and I almost cried. 

KEEP HOLDING THAT DAMN SQUAT AND GET BACK TO ME.

PPS anyone is welcome to join if you live in the Seattle area!

PPPS I'm totally performing in May. I asked if we can wear tank tops and not bikini tops. And we can, phew. No way would I get up there in a bikini top. My boobs. My stomach. Absolutely not.
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