Tuesday, October 14, 2014

You're Just Somebody That I Used to Barely Know

On Friday, I was going to say to a friend, "I hate walking around downtown because I'm always worried about running into someone with whom things ended poorly."

So I ran into tall, dark, and handsome in downtown Seattle that day. He's the guy who told me, "I don't need a guilt trip from someone I barely know," after we'd been hanging out on and off for three months. Him: "Let's go to Belgium next year, TBN!" Me: "Um, what."

Anyway. I wasn't expecting it. He wasn't expecting it. I was with my friend Lindsay, who was visiting from Utah. I spotted him first. He saw me second (after I was no longer looking at him) and gave a visible shake of his entire body. Kind of like, "What the hell? Last person I'd ever expect to see."

I whispered to Lindsay, "That's the guy from last year."

He and I both did the mature adult thing and passed by while pretending we never knew each other. 

Like we have never woken up in each other arms then cuddled while discussing our day ahead. Like I didn't accuse him of stealing my screwdriver and search his toolbox (not a euphemism) for it. Like I never rubbed lotion on his new tattoo. (Wow, that sounds gross typed out.)

Real adult relationships are complicated. And stupid. Then again, he was a total dick at the end, and I think I did the right thing not saying anything. Considering how awkward he was, that would've been the worst. 

Let's think about this new guy (we call him purples) who made me crepes on our second date. That was nice. He freaking sliced zucchini in my kitchen and fried them with bacon. Nobody cooks for me but me. It was sweet. Then he held my hand while cuddling and watching bad TV. That was nice too. OKAY, I LIKE TO BE TOUCHED. THERE. I WILL INITIATE TOUCHING OCCASIONALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE. But eh, I feel interest waning. I am totally prepared to give up dating for fall/winter. Too much effort. I just want to curl up on my couch with the window open and a breeze coming through. And go to Hawaii at the end of October.

Monday, September 15, 2014


I'm pretty sure I'm using fauxlationships to avoid real relationships and happy endings.

What's a fauxlationship? Well, it's when someone who is only in Seattle for a couple days and I go on a couple dates in a couple days, and then he leaves.

I've only done it, what, three times now? But I feel like this is a great way to avoid real connections or the possibility of a real relationship. Way to go, emotionally secure BN.

A couple weekends ago, a guy was in town for the PAX conference. When he got back to LA, he sent me a text saying, "Why do you live so far awaaaaay?" I wanted to reply with, "Because we'd never date if you lived in Seaaattlleee." He wasn't someone I'd ever want to date. He was okay to hang out with for a weekend, but eeeeeh.

But it felt so goooood to hang out with someone three nights in a row. We cuddled. We got food. I met him in dinosaur slippers, a sweatshirt, and leggings.  I know how to seduce the mens, y'all. (I know. I've basically given up with that outfit.) It was really nice having a fauxlationship. And then he's gone, so there goes any chance of my feelings getting hurt. Aren't you glad I analyze myself and my issues so well.

Another German guy was here for a weekend. We only went out once, but he invited me to couchsurf at his apartment. And if you know me, you know I NEVER turn down an invitation to travel somewhere. So hey, Germany in April next year.

One day, I'll start looking for a real relationship. But for now, it's kind of fun to meet somebody and decide to fly out there in 7 months to stay on his couch. I'm young. I'm single. I have nobody to be held accountable to. Let's do this thing.

Friday, September 12, 2014

I Got the Bottom Half from My Dad

I haven't been posting my dating stories. Because, let's be honest, I suck. Or I'm just into short versions on facebook. 

Let's post this one though.

I was on a date in July. (The date I was going on after I posted that post.) The guy went to the bathroom. He came back, and about 15-20 minutes later, his alarm went off on his phone. It was 8:30pm. He either 1) had another date or 2) realized I wasn't going to have sex with him.

I mean, hello. He was half Palestinian. I'm a quarter Israeli. We weren't going to resolve the Middle East conflict in one night. (winky face here.)

Truly, I hope it was because he realized I wasn't going to sleep with him. That makes the story a liiiittle better. Or maybe when he said, "I got the top half from my mom, and the bottom half is from my dad." I looked at his crotch inadvertently and must have had a LOOK on my face. "NOOO. Like the hair on my body. My leg hair is like my Palestinian dad's."

So that's how that date went. He told me he was going to leave. I stood up as well and said, "Well, I'm not going to stay at this bar where I'm only drinking water by myself." He told me to keep in touch and walked away.

Score. Another date in the suck pile. 
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