Tuesday, June 28, 2016

The Night I Tried to Lose My Virginity

(Mom and family, please don't read this post.)

This was a few years ago, buuuuuut everyone was so excited about my sad stories that I thought I'd share another embarrassing/awkward one.

New Year's Eve. A friend of mine (Tim) and I headed up to the Seattle Center with a bunch of Mormon friends. He and I separated from the rest of the group and headed to a speakeasy kind of bar in Lower Queen Anne.

On our way, we were stopped by a man who looked homeless. (Kitty corner from Toulouse Petit, and I'll never forget it.) He had a bottle in a paper bag in his right hand. He said, "Would you two like to hear me sing opera?" Me: "Yeah, Tim loves musical things. Go for it." "FIGARO FIGARO FIIIGAAAROOOOO!" We were cracking up. 

He offered us his bag. "Did you guys know you could get a bottle of 80-proof for 10 dollas? TEN DOLLAS!" "Uh, no, we didn't." "Take a sip." "No, we're good. We're good."


We looked at each other, shrugged, and went for it. We both took a sip out of the homeless man's bottle. (Hey, alcohol is a disinfectant, right?) (This is before we'd had anything to drink, btw. Completely sober, drinking out of a random man on the street's bottle.) So that happened this evening.

We headed to the bar. We had a few drinks, and then we went to see the fireworks over the space needle. Somehow, the topic turned to having sex. He and I had made out a year or two before, but nothing had happened since. (Oh that's multiple stories that I will not be sharing, yikes.) 

We decided we were going to lose our virginities to each other. (We'd both recently left the church.) We flirted about the issue the rest of the night, and then we headed back to his house. (He was home from school and at his parents'.) I was still drunk, so I was sobering up before I headed home. 

Neither of us made a move. We were lying on the couch, cuddling, and still, nothing. (IS THIS THE STORY OF MY LIFE.) (He later told me, "If we'd just gone to your house, it would've happened." Sigh.) I finally ended up getting up and driving home a few hours later.

The next day at work, I got brave and sent a text saying, "Sooooo about the virginity thing.... I'm down if you are."

He responded (okay this was years ago so I don't exactly remember), "Oh, yeah, I wasn't really serious about it blah blah blah." (Hi, men, you can't just say you were joking about EVERYTHING. Sooner or later, it's effing serious.)

Me: "Well, I'm still coming to visit you in Thailand."

This was the time when I lost 15 pounds in a month because I was so anxious before my vacation. He'd flat out rejected me, but I was still going to effing Thailand because VACATION.

By the time I'd gotten there, we'd both lost our virginities. He had a girlfriend though, so that was ALSO another awkward friendish vacation. (He didn't walk around in his underwear though, and I was also wearing more clothes. We also didn't really touch at all the entire trip. Because WE WERE JUST FRIENDS. AND FRIENDS DON'T PUT THEIR HAND ON EACH OTHER'S KNEE. NOT EVEN FRIENDS WHO HAVE DISCUSSED SLEEPING TOGETHER.) But it was a fun week. So much fun. Songkran in Thailand was awesome. I'd highly recommend it.

Let's not think about how I acted on that trip. Something I won't share. no.

What have you all learned from all my awkward stories? I have no game and am going to die alone due to my inability to fully open up to men I care about. (I've already acknowledged this as one of my flaws.) But hey, I've tried recently. I've tried.

Monday, June 27, 2016

The Story I Can Tell THE END

To be completely honest, I don't really feel like finishing this story. This hasn't been as cathartic as the SA story. I'm over the man in this story, but it'll take me a while before I can trust men not to be manipulative lying pieces of shit. And before I'll have regular relationships with male bosses. So let's get to the beginning, middle, and end of this thing.

He came over. We talked. I told him his doppelganger WAS the first man I ever kissed. (True.) We made out. Okay. He told me I'd been seducing him for five years. We talked for a while. He left.

Over the next few weeks, work was a little extra exciting. We didn't see each other outside of work (I tried to but "I feel too weird." "It's too weird for me because it's so soon after my wife."). It was kind of fun. Also scary because I was like, OMG I'M GOING TO GET FIRED FOR HAVING A THING WITH MY BOSS. I have anxiety relating to work after working with some people who hated me for years.

His last day, he hugged us all. I left and sent him a text saying, "We can grab that drink and talk now that we're no longer boss/employee." "Sounds like a plan." "Only if we make it one."

I sent him multiple texts over the next few days. No response. He was texting all my coworkers though. (Literally ALL of them. I saw multiple texts from him.) I got pissed. I blocked him. (That seems to be a theme.)

I unblocked him weeks later and texted him saying, "I miss you. I'm sorry we did what we did and ruined an important relationship in my life. I didn't expect you to hurt me like you did and blah blah blah." "I honestly didn't know I wasn't responding to you. I'm sorry I involved you in my shit. I'm just sorry." (Oh please. He's not sorry he treated me like shit.


So we made up. He told me how weird it is for him to try to be with someone after being with his wife for so long. (Uh huh, sure.) "I can't be sex buddies with someone. It messes me up." (Uh huh, sure. I don't want that anyway.)

Weeks later, I text asking how he's doing. blah blah blah. "I finally figured out that pre-dating and dating did more harm than good, so I'm going monk now." Me (infuriated): "Are you telling me that you were still dating after telling me it was too weird to date me." "Yeah, I was still reaching out to women blah blah blah." Me: "Okay, I'm too intoxicated to remember why I'm super offended, but I am. I'll let you figure it out. Goodbye, Peter."

And that's all there was. We've had no contact. I've found out information about him that has completely changed my entire view of him. I loved him as a boss. I fucking hate him as a person. What a lying, manipulative piece of shit. It broke my heart that someone I respected and liked so much disappointed me to this degree. It also broke my heart that someone who told me he had a crush really only wanted to sleep with me. (Is that naive of me? I mean, you don't have to lie to me about feelings just to sleep with me. Be honest.)


This story is much easier for me to process than the other. We know what Peter wanted: to sleep with me. But he couldn't because it "messed him up." (I know that to be a lie now, and I found that out recently, which has made me extra salty about this situation. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW AHHHHHH) We'll never know what SA got out of treating me like a fake gf, but oh well.

The rest of 2016 is dedicated to saving money, working, and working out. And friends. And planning a loooong vacation I may or may not take.

Sorry all the details aren't here, but it just didn't help me get feelings out by typing this. It was definitely not as satisfying as the other story. It was such a big deal in my life February-April, but now it just makes me sad. How could someone I knew for so long be completely different from how I perceived him.

So this has been my 2016. Crazy, right? CRAZIEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. KRAZY WITH A FUCKING K.

Friday, June 24, 2016

The Story I Can Tell PART TWO

I freaked out. I screen shot and sent to my friend who helps me not freak out at everything. "WHAT DO I DO?!?!?" Remember, I was not sober. She said, "I thought he was married with two kids!?!?!?!?" Me: "ME TOO!!!!"

I responded, "What does that mean?" "What does non-semi friends mean?" "I meant like we'd be regular friends, not semi-friends since you were my boss. Sorry, I'm intoxicated." "Okay. How honest do you want me to be?"

"Can we make the previous and next 10 minutes completely private? If not, okay, and all is fine." 

"Sure?" (It already wasn't private. I lied.)

"If you screenshot, I hate you."

"I've been separated for 2 years and am divorcing."

"If you want me, I want you and can be there in 45 minutes."

"Cards on the table. You have full details to ruin me if you choose to do so."

"Please don't ruin my career for disclosing my attraction to you."

(No, not manipulative at all. Sorry, that's the bitter coming out.)

"I've had a crush for a while now, but I didn't act on it. I've actively wanted you for a while, but I hadn't acted on it."

"I suck. I totally caved. I'm the worst."

"Nobody knows my situation other than family and now you." (LIE)

I kept stalling because I didn't know wtf to do. I wasn't really in the right state of mind to deal with this, but my friend was sober and helped me through the conversation. (The conversation with her is exhilarating. I still sometimes go back and read through it haha.)

"So the question is do you want me and I come over right now, or do we pretend this never happened and things go back to normal."

(Things got really aggressive, and I won't post that because it's super unfavorable to him.)

Me: "It's complicated."

Him: "It's just me. It's just you. Let's see each other."

Me: "Okay, you can come over to talk."

Meanwhile, I was texting my friend like you wouldn't believe because WTF WTF WTF WTF


Doorbell rang.


Friend: "BREATHE."

TO BE CONTINUED (sorry I'm busy and tired and new job and airbnb and working every day for months)
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