Tuesday, May 26, 2009

My Top Five Grudges

Laura, my friend from high school, directed me to this blog. She said, this is hilarious, and I think you could also write a post like this. (Because I am an infamous grudge holder.) By the way, I think this girl and I could be best friends. We both hold grudges like no other, and we both have huge boobs. BFFFFFFFFFFs.

Anyway. I hold grudges. If you wrong me, I will hate you until the end of time. It's REALLY hard for me to forgive people. The mother tells me it's a waste of time and energy, but it's not like I think about these grudges all the time. But if something comes up in a conversation dealing with this person or what they did to me, I will mention it and tell you how much I hate them. I don't actively hate them every minute of every day, I SWEAR. But I do hate them occasionally.

These grudges are in no particular order

5) Ashley Turnbull***
Picture this: Sixth grade Boob Nazi. I was short. I wore glasses. I was fat (well, I still am). My hair looked like a lion's mane. But still, I had my dreams. I was going to be a cheerleader. My sister was a cheerleader. I started gymnastics. I was trying out for the Orangevale Huskies (woo woo!). I was talking to Ashley in class one day. I believe Ashley was trying out for cheerleading that year too. (But for the Folsom Bulldogs.) I said to her, "yeah, I'm trying out! yay!" She said to me, "Do the judges care if you're fat or ugly?" I didn't understand it at the time, but now it chaps my ass that she said that. How dare she? (And who cheered in high school and who didn't biatch??????) I won't befriend her on facebook. I glared at her throughout any classes we had together, which weren't many because she was in the stupid-people classes. I refused to communicate with her stupid butt when she was in the lunchroom with me for some stupid reason. (And she was talking about how drunk she got in Mexico and hooked up with all these guys. Classy, Ashley, classy.)

4) Anna Law***
Picture 11th grade Boob Nazi. I worked hard at cheer 11th grade. I would critique the sophomores when they asked for it. I would speed music up or slow music down if necessary. I DESERVED TO BE CAPTAIN SENIOR YEAR. I was not chosen. Just thinking about it now makes me fiery hot with anger. I don't know if I can continue typing about this. I would have been the best, if not the second best, choice for that year. It ruined my entire senior year of cheer. I'm still painfully bitter about it. And believe me, I made it difficult for the captains that year, and I'm SO not sorry about that.

3) Bobby Crawdon***
Fourth grade Boob Nazi, who just got glasses and was PAINFULLY aware of them. Bobby teased Boob Nazi a lot. Ironically enough, Bobby also got glasses within the next few years. Boob Nazi was almost pacified by this. But not enough. In fact, when Boob Nazi came upon Bobby working at Banana in college, she pretended she didn't know who he was (even though they'd gone to school together since fourth grade), sniffed her nose at him, and walked away. And guess who'd even been wearing glasses at that time? You got it, BOBBY. He took away so much of my self-confidence. When I wore glasses, I felt so ugly and disgusting no matter what. I got cute glasses my sophomore year of college: I STILL FELT UGLY! Bobby, poo on you.

2) Ummm two girls I can't remember the names of, so I can't even give them fake names.
Junior year of college. My friend Cassidy and I were supposed to live together, but this stupid lady mixed it up, and we didn't. I moved into an apartment with three of us. They had known each other; I hadn't known either of them. THEY REPORTED ME TO MY BISHOP FOR WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY. It wasn't a "Hey! Boob Nazi hasn't been going to church, and we're worried about her" kind of thing. It was a "Boob Nazi's a sinner" kind of thing. They told me I was wasting heat by having my window open at night. (Which is true, but that's beside the point.) One of the girls tried to make me feel bad by saying, "I pay for EVERYTHING! And you're wasting my money!" And I said, "Bitch, you're lying. I know your parents pay for everything." So I would leave for long periods of time and leave my window wide open. It was MIGHTY cold that winter. (Evil laugh inserted here.) My open window would freeze everything. I even took the TV out of the front and put it in my room so they wouldn't be affected by my sinning. (And guess what they put where the TV used to be???? A picture of Jesus. It was an exorcism of me hahahaha)


1) Jack Gofer***
Ninth grade. Boob Nazi invited Jack to Sadies. Jack said yes. Someone started a rumor about Boob Nazi saying that she only invited Jack because she wanted to get close to his friend. First of all, who would start a rumor about me? I was a complete nobody! Secondly, why would they say that? Third of all, Jack had no guts and declined through a note. (I hated him all through high school. He started dating my friend sr. year, so I slightly stopped hating him, but no, I really didn't. Seeing pictures of him now still reminds me of ninth grade.) WHO WOULD START A RUMOR ABOUT ME???? I was one of the most non-descript people my ninth grade year. I had braces for half of it. My hair was an icky blonde color. I wasn't a cheerleader yet. There was no reason to do that. Ugh.

And I have to say, there have been a couple of grudges I would LOVE to blog about, but the people might happen across my blog and recognize themselves, so I'm not blogging about them. And they're SOME OF THE BEST! Dangit.


***These names have been changed to protect the a-holes they are.

And this is supposed to be a funny post, not a bitter post. Sorry if it comes across as the latter. Look at the funny, mean, bitter Boob Nazi as entertaining, not sad, okay?

And yes, I'm aware that I change the POV many times in this. And the tense. Get over it. It's my blog, and I can write badly if I want to. (Because I didn't want to do third person for all of it! I like switching it up.)

25 comment(s):

Hizzeather said...

I'm glad I'm not on here...or am I? :)

Kristina P. said...

Wow, these people suck.

Wendyburd1 said...

I loathe them now too!! Brings up painful memories from my own past and not so past!! MEAN people SUCK. And you give me another reason why I am so glad I didn't go to church school. No I hate SATC, but I watch movies full of swears and whatever TV show I want...I would have been told on ALOT.

Mark and Katie said...

You made me think of a few people I have on my mental grudge list. I think we all have them.

I would have totally left the window open too!

ukyankoz said...

Those people totally suck. Ugh, that reminds me of my big grudges and my Mortal Enemy - I hope they all end up bald with back acne!

MamaBear said...

you make me glad i lived at home when i went to college. and almost glad i didn't finish. :D

Jo said...

Mean people should all be, oh I don't know, rounded up and have someone be mean to them! As a confession, I am quite capable of holding a grudge for a very long time.

stewbert said...

Hey, I have a few of those but I can't blog about them because some of my friends who are also friends of those people read my blog ... So here's one of my more petty grudges.

15 years after high school, WHO CARES if you were drum major? Why start a FB page about being a drum major for that particular high school? Especially when one of your co-majors was horrid and the entire band knew I'd do better and told me so repeatedly ... Frigging elitist snobs. STILL.

Vanessa said...

I wish I had the guts to do it on my blog too, so I'll just do it here.

To my husbands friend: quit being a douche.

To my friend: I wish it was the way it used to be.

To my high school choir teacher: Thanks for calling me fat in front of the whole school choir. May you rest in peace.

To my mother: I've lost weight. Quit thinking I need a bigger size.

Thanks for the therapy.

Kami Huntsman said...

You inspire me. I need to do this. Or find out how many people from my previous years of life have one about me... I hate stuck-up self righteous BYU roommates.

Lemme said...

this is awesome. you're such an inspiration!

kayla & tyler said...

ha wow!!!!!!!!!!

Jacob said...

You are probably the complete opposite of me when it comes to this...

Rowboat said...

awesome. reading someone's grudges turned out to be more fun than i thought it would be. nicely done boobs.

Jen said...

Man, every post you make I'm reminded of how much awesome you have. You are full of awesome! Those were entertaining, and I'm sure everyone who was a butt to you did it because they were jealous. I am.

Colt said...

Oooo you conjured up a memory of one of my biggest grudges. I still think about him when I need to get angry during bike race, and here is the kicker he moved into my in-laws ward across the freaking country, and they invited him to Christmas Dinner, grrrrrrr, HULK SMASH!!! Is all I can think.

Abra said...

Um so I think you're really cool jus' sayin'

Torgersons said...

HAHAHAHA I thoroughly enjoyed this post.

cassidy said...

Haha! Thanks for sharing some of your all time grudges. You DO hold one mean grudge. I wish I knew some of these people personally though. That would make it more fun.

amber belmonte. said...

"These names have been changed to protect the a-holes they are."

LOL.. i'm dying over this post.

Sara Ann said...

HaHa this post totally cracked me up! I still totally hold grudges against people from long ago as well. Maybe I should write a grudge post!

Dave Lucy & Marley Gurney said...

Freaking. Hilarious.

I hold grudges too. But, I have small boobs :( Does this mean we can't be friends??

What's it like to be my friend? Probably awesome said...

i know this is old, but it's funny and I think you should post some more stories about your college years. They sound funny.

Carol and Wyman said...

Nice to know I'm not the only one holding tight to my grudges. For me, tho, it's my father who gets on me about holding grudges. Whatev's! If you wrong me, I will never forget. I may move on and pretend like it never happened, but I will so never forget! Won't forgive, neither.

p.s. I got big boobs and cheered in high school, too! I was always the bottom of the pyramid.

p.p.s. Unsolicited advice is the WORST!

Auntie J said...

I was one of two seniors on the cheerleading squad...and I wasn't named one of the co-captains. It irritated me to NO end. I felt vindicated at the end-of-the-year sports picnic, where they pass out all the awards, because I walked away with the coach's award--the most-wanted trophy. I wouldn't trade that trophy for anything, but the slight of not being picked as a co-captain (despite my admitted lack of excessive leadership skills) still stings sometimes. And then I go look at my trophy, and giggle. (The junior co-captain didn't get one at all.) So, I know a little about how you feel!

Related Posts with Thumbnails
 
Blog Design by April Showers