Sunday, September 27, 2009

Homie Don't Play That!

Let me just state this once. I do not grind (aka freaking). I don't enjoy shoving my butt into some random man's crotch to the "beat" of some music. (I say "beat" because the man normally doesn't have rhythm, which is unacceptable to me.) Do I look like the kind of girl who goes to a bar to pick up some random guy?












(That's what I was wearing tonight. I love that dress.) Seriously, I go to dance. I do not go to hook up with some random guy. Let's talk about what happened tonight.

It was a bachelorette party for three girls in my program who are getting married soon. We went to Liquid Joe's to see The Spazmatics. They are an 80s cover band. Let's just say, they were awesome. I love 80s music. I also love 80s dancing because you don't have to stand there and be all seductive for 2 1/2 hours of music..... You can dance however you want. It's awesome.

So. First altercation. I see some girl dancing in front of me, looking at me. I kind of smile at her to be polite. I'm more concentrated on dancing. Then she thinks she gets some kind of signal from me and starts coming toward me, dancing all whoreishly. She gets all up on me, but I shut that ish down.

Second. Some guy's all getting up on me from the side and then moves to the back. He says, "Don't mind me," and continues to molest me. I shove him away and say, "I do mind, thanks." Yeah. Shove. I shut him down completely. Sorry, man.

Third. We're all outside because one of the girls is leaving, and we want a picture of all of us first. Some drunk guys are watching while we're taking the picture. One points out a girl in my program and says, "She's the hottest." We're all like, cool story, man. Then he comes up to us again and says, "Do you need another picture taken of you? I wouldn't mind. You're all beautiful." Someone says, "But Heather's the hottest." He starts pointing at every girl and saying, "You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty." After he pointed to me, I said, "Yeah, that means a whole lot to all of us when you tell every single one of us we're pretty." Everyone looked at me like, "Wtf are you doing Boob Nazi? That poor man just got shut down!" He said, "Well, I'm heading in, now that I got cut off by her." I was proud. I hate being accosted. I don't go to these places to meet guys.

Fourth. Some girl was molesting my back and TOUCHING MY SHOULDERS. I am sorry, but what?????? Nobody touches me without my implied consent. Do I look like a lesbian? Do I look like I want a woman touching me or dancing with me???? Why does this happen to me? Growing long hair NOW.

Lastly, I was dancing. This guy was molesting me and all up in my personal space. And do you know what makes you even HOTTER to me???? Yeah, spilling your beer on me. That really gets me going. He was also just kind of humping my back. How delicious. I tried to use a strong arm to push him away, but he was there to stay. Thank you, kind sir, you made my night.

And let me just say: Just because a girl is wearing a short, tight dress that might ride up and expose some buttcheeks doesn't mean she wants you to come hump her. No, really, she doesn't. She might just like to dance, and the short skirt helps her dance better.

I have a problem where I'm mean to guys. I can't help it. It's just that I don't like when drunk guys are out of control and molest me. Beer smells. You have no rhythm. You're a female. You're giving out the same compliments to all girls. You're just a jackass.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure this has been one of my favorite Saturdays in a long time. Making rolls, picnic, feeding ducks, watching Jurassic Park, watching someone do MY dishes (best feeling ever. You're amazing!), and 80s dancing.... Best. Saturday. Ever.

16 comments:

MamaBear said...

so snarky! lmbo.

"Just because a girl is wearing a short, tight dress that might ride up and expose some buttcheeks doesn't mean she wants you to come hump her."

and you wonder WHY you're getting molested? but you make me laugh, so i love you.

Vanessa said...

Glad you had fun, even though you were molested. Gone are my dancing days. Oh how I miss them.

Kristina P. said...

I'm shocked that a skirt that shows buttcheeks wouldn't be a signal!

Maybe you should dress like an Amish woman next time. :)

The Boob Nazi said...

It MIGHT ride up.... not that it always did!

Lemme said...

hahahahahahahahaha!!!! growing long hair NOW!!!! I DIED!!

Torgersons said...

I'm so grossed out by the females. Ew! I was a little sad I couldn't go, and now I'm pretty sure I would have totally been scarred. I'm a little too naive for my own good.

Jillene said...

I love 80's music too. It really is the best to dance to.

As for the male and female molesting--eeeewwww!! Sorry it happened. Maybe next time you should wear one of those signs that you can see both from the front and the back that reads, "NO MOLESTING HERE PLEASE". That should keep them off you. Maybe.

Celia said...

First of all- Jurassic Park is the best movie of all time. I am delighted to share a mutual appreciation of such a wonderful film AND also Dexter. Man. You have some good taste. Secondly, I love how you used the word "ish" and the term "implied consent." And lastly, way to put those people in their places. Fools. Trashy fools.

The Boob Nazi said...

No boobs for you either, James....

Rachel Sue said...

I'm still kind of grossing out about the girl molesters. Seriously. Ew.

The Boob Nazi said...

Celia--when my family went to Hawaii, we went to where it was filmed. It was awesome. We joke that it's a documentary haha.

ukyankoz said...

I like Jillene's idea of a sign, but with beer goggles on, could a molester really read in time? Maybe a symbol, like a camel with a line through it?

(LOVE that dress!)

annie valentine said...

No seriously, this is the best post I have read in MONTHS. Thank you for every single word of this, it totally just made my day.

kayla & tyler said...

HAHAH this was so hilarious, thank you thank you for writing this. My favorite part was where you said
"but i shut that ish down!"
man I laughed out loud in my dentist office haha.

Shewi128 said...

I love that the guy said "don't mind me"

CarrieBradshaw* said...

BAHAHAHAHA I could not have written that better myself. EXACT same opinion on dancing. Why the hell do men think they can come hump you? Something about being at a dance that means you are free to hump? You honestly think I'm going to take you into the back corner and do you now? UGH. Too funny. I think we would make good friends.

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