(That's what I was wearing tonight. I love that dress.) Seriously, I go to dance. I do not go to hook up with some random guy. Let's talk about what happened tonight.
It was a bachelorette party for three girls in my program who are getting married soon. We went to Liquid Joe's to see The Spazmatics. They are an 80s cover band. Let's just say, they were awesome. I love 80s music. I also love 80s dancing because you don't have to stand there and be all seductive for 2 1/2 hours of music..... You can dance however you want. It's awesome.
So. First altercation. I see some girl dancing in front of me, looking at me. I kind of smile at her to be polite. I'm more concentrated on dancing. Then she thinks she gets some kind of signal from me and starts coming toward me, dancing all whoreishly. She gets all up on me, but I shut that ish down.
Second. Some guy's all getting up on me from the side and then moves to the back. He says, "Don't mind me," and continues to molest me. I shove him away and say, "I do mind, thanks." Yeah. Shove. I shut him down completely. Sorry, man.
Third. We're all outside because one of the girls is leaving, and we want a picture of all of us first. Some drunk guys are watching while we're taking the picture. One points out a girl in my program and says, "She's the hottest." We're all like, cool story, man. Then he comes up to us again and says, "Do you need another picture taken of you? I wouldn't mind. You're all beautiful." Someone says, "But Heather's the hottest." He starts pointing at every girl and saying, "You're pretty. You're pretty. You're pretty." After he pointed to me, I said, "Yeah, that means a whole lot to all of us when you tell every single one of us we're pretty." Everyone looked at me like, "Wtf are you doing Boob Nazi? That poor man just got shut down!" He said, "Well, I'm heading in, now that I got cut off by her." I was proud. I hate being accosted. I don't go to these places to meet guys.
Fourth. Some girl was molesting my back and TOUCHING MY SHOULDERS. I am sorry, but what?????? Nobody touches me without my implied consent. Do I look like a lesbian? Do I look like I want a woman touching me or dancing with me???? Why does this happen to me? Growing long hair NOW.
Lastly, I was dancing. This guy was molesting me and all up in my personal space. And do you know what makes you even HOTTER to me???? Yeah, spilling your beer on me. That really gets me going. He was also just kind of humping my back. How delicious. I tried to use a strong arm to push him away, but he was there to stay. Thank you, kind sir, you made my night.
And let me just say: Just because a girl is wearing a short, tight dress that might ride up and expose some buttcheeks doesn't mean she wants you to come hump her. No, really, she doesn't. She might just like to dance, and the short skirt helps her dance better.
I have a problem where I'm mean to guys. I can't help it. It's just that I don't like when drunk guys are out of control and molest me. Beer smells. You have no rhythm. You're a female. You're giving out the same compliments to all girls. You're just a jackass.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure this has been one of my favorite Saturdays in a long time. Making rolls, picnic, feeding ducks, watching Jurassic Park, watching someone do MY dishes (best feeling ever. You're amazing!), and 80s dancing.... Best. Saturday. Ever.