Saturday, March 06, 2010

I Like Myself

Most of you know I used to struggle with depression. It was (cough) depressing (cough). I used to come out of a test I did badly on and think, "Man, I'm so fat. I'm going to die alone. I'm never getting married." It was a terrible and RIDICULOUS thought process. Then I gained thirty pounds from an anti-depressant and became even more depressed. It sucked.

What's the point of this? Well, I have come a long way. I still have those down moments. You know, where I think about: my face being asymmetrical, my left arm being fatter than my right, my upper arms, my stomach, my back, my huge feet, my weird fatty cheeks, my non-existent butt, my straight-edged teeth, etc.

But then I can immediately cheer myself up because I genuinely like myself. Let me name some of the things I like about myself.

My eyes, lips, boobs, legs, height, and hair.

The fact that I sound like a really cool person on paper (even if I'm not in real life).
Like I freaking went backpacking by MYSELF in Scotland for two weeks! I wandered around Ukraine by myself for three weeks without knowing the EFFING LANGUAGE. I went to Sweden and Norway by myself. I'm getting my master's degree. I speak Spanish. I work with developmentally delayed children and adults who become disabled.

My sense of style.

My sense of humor.

My loyalty to friends.

Etc.

I love that I've come so far. Five years ago, I never would have thought I could be this happy and confident. I only wish I could talk to my old therapist and be like, social anxiety is gone! Depression is gone! Panicking about flying.... STILL THERE.

I try to tell my friends and/or people who are depressed that it'll get better, but it's always hard to see that in the moment. But I'm living proof that you'll not always feel that way.

Life is good.

54 comment(s):

j.m. neeb said...

Congrats on overcoming the depression, BN! You have a lot of things going for you and it's awesome that you are able to see that. I think too many people out there get caught up on the negatives and forget to see all the good qualities...

Also, I think it's so cool that you went backpacking in Scotland. Consider this fellow blogger jealous!

Brittany said...

oh my. i tried to come check out your bloggie this morning and it was "Private" and i was "Not Invited"... i had that Throat dropping into my tummy feeling like Holy Ish what am I gonna do?!?!?!

glad you aren't REALLY private. or something. ;)

Those shoes truly are pure sex. no doubt.

ps- i adore my "happy meds" aka anti-deps. i am a good person, a happy person and even a funny person (most of the time)... but i still don't know how i'd do it without my medicine! yay for drugs.

yay for you not being private!

Wonder Woman said...

I had no idea you had traveled so much on your own. That's freakin' awesome. YOU'RE freakin' awesome.

I'm glad that you like you. :o)

The Boob Nazi said...

Brittany, I'm glad the drugs help you! They didn't help me at all.

Krajcimama said...

Yay - so glad to be able to read your posts again! :)

I have to tell you that the first thought that popped into my head while reading this post was, "Well, how could you NOT like your boobs?" Then I wondered if that was appropriate or not to leave as a comment. Then I figured, what the heck! :)

I've been thinking about calling my gyn...I get kinda out of control when I have PMS - it's crazy. Before I got PG with my twins I was taking something for PMDD...I had to wean myself off of it when I was pregnant and now (6 months later) I am starting to feel crazy when that time of the month rolls around. *sigh* I use to think the moody jokes with women and PMS were stupid...now I realize they are talking about women like me - no fun at all.

The Boob Nazi said...

Oh man, I am on birth control because I get SO CRAZY and hormonal then. I know what you mean.

Tiffany said...

I too have to take 2, yes two different kinds of anti-depressants to keep me sane!! I'm happy you like yourself, because you're AWESOME!

I did like myself a lot, and then recent events have "broken" me and I'm trying to re-build.

Homesick Cajun said...

It's great that you were able to overcome it boo! Good for you!

anna said...

um, the ukraine? now you are seriously the coolest person i know...er, don't know (in real life)?

p.s. are you wearing the dress on sunday or what? and if so, will there be a picture in my email on monday???

Kristina P. said...

This past month or so has been a good time in the cycle for me. I've struggled with anxiety less in the past month than in the past 10 months.

I hope it stays that way for both of us!

The Boob Nazi said...

Amen, Kristina!

C.J. said...

You're definitely one of the coolest people I (don't) know. In fact, you're probably the coolest. I'm glad I like you, too :-)

Diego and Sam Jo said...

I think all "rotund" people go through some depression. Its hard to not get down on your body image. But know I realize how great of a life I have even if i am chubby. I am glad you are happy and I know I would just love you in real life!

Cindy said...

Huge sigh of relief that you are no longer private!! I would miss you so much! (In fact this is about the 8th time I have checked since 11 last night - that is not creepy right?)
My husband and I have started taking an annual trip to Mexico and neither of us speak the language but he thinks he does because he adds an "O" to the end of every word!

Audrey said...

Good for you!! But if you are afraid of flying - how did you get to Europe?
I seem to be more paranoid as I get older. There are a couple of days a month when I fight depression, but I also know that it's hormones and it won't last long. But it still isn't any fun for anyone during those few days.
Because you sound like a wonderful, amazing person on your blog - you must be one :) No one can fake that for long.
Have a wonderful weekend!

Alexandra said...

This is awesome, thank you for posting it. I know some people in my life who are struggling with depression, and I think that people do need to see just how things can change.

Sarah and the Gentlemen said...

So glad you like yourself! It creates a cycle of likeability and more people like you.

It seems that depression skewers your vision; it's hard to see your way out.

I like myself most of the time... except when I'm crabby then I tell myself to shutup.

Kristin said...

You are one brave chick! I hate driving two hours away by myself. Ah ha ha

The Warrior in ME said...

Yay! you're not private anymore! and Yay! life's good!

I am still on my way to getting confident, on my way to saying social phobia (facial tremors) gone, but i'm getting there and i like it.

It makes me sad when i feel like going back into my past and throttling whoever did mean things to me then while screaming swear words at them, but i'm glad i manage to snap back.

All in all, life is getting better by the way.

CONGRATULATIONS to you! You've sure turned out super :D

Fertility Chick said...

Even further proof that you are amazing. It's true.

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Too funny! I have a friend that, when I'm feeling bad about myself, always reminds me that I have fabulous clavicals and georgeous irisis- did I spell that right?? Anyway, just found your link from Magical Ordinary- when you get the time stop by my place. Happy Sat!!

Brianne said...

Yay for being allowed "back in"! ^_^

That is so awesome that you are able to see things in yourself that other people surely love you for!

I'm slowly getting there. I deal with depression myself, but on the up times, I'm beginning to learn that there are lots of things to like about me! :)

Thanks for sharing.

Kjrsten said...

Hi Boon Nazi,

people don't know it but I take meds for depression. I have a great life, I love myself, I always have, but about 2 years ago I started to deal a lot with negative thoughts. it was a constant battle between me and my brain. It tells me things that arent true, so I tell it to stop, it only works for a minute or two and then it comes back. negative thoughts back again! I didn't want to take meds I thought I was stronger than that. wrong. So anyway, about a year ago I got help. My meds are minimal, but just enough. If I skip a day or two (or three) it's not pretty. Once last summer I decided I was doing really good LIFE WAS PURE BLISS! (as it usually is in the summer) and so i weened myself. THAT SUCKED! what an idiot! I still need my meds. It;s not because of my life, it's a chemical thing. I might be on meds forever, that's fine by me, as long as it keeps me sane, I will take them.

(PS wondering which ones made you gain weight so I can stay away from that one)

p.s. thanks for this post and sorry for my TMI

The Boob Nazi said...

Kjrsten, never too much TMI! I think one of the great things about sharing stories is getting people's stories in return, especially about something as serious as depression.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I've been taking antidepressants for several years. I can cut back on the dosage in summer, but I agree with Kjersten that (in my case anyway) it's a chemical imbalance and the drugs help me to be my real self. I'm very impressed by the traveling you've done on your own, BN. Including the traveling back from depression!

elesa said...

I feel the same way. In high school and college I was a MESS. I couldn't handle anything. But things are good! If growing older means liking myself more, then bring it on. Imagine how happy I will be as a grandma?

Amanda said...

That's HUGE (that's what she said).

BUT WAIT that's seriously awesome. It's a tough thing to crawl out of but when you do it's like you climbed a mountain.

This is exactly what I'd expect from the Boob Nazi. :)

Trish said...

I hear ya girl! But I think you are pretty great! Your attitude is pretty tubular (do people still use that word? oh well I am now, the meaning is cool right?) as well!

Love everything that you listed about yourself...

rae said...

1. Awesome post.

2. Stop publishing-then-deleting posts. I can't handle the curiosity. I feel like my brain's going to explode.

pook555 said...

Yay, not private!! (So you avoided getting an email from me begging to be invited to your blog)...

My family has a history of depression, and it's not a fun thing. I deal with it too, but no meds at this point (though my husband takes some at times). Just know you are 20X more awesome than you think you are (that is my rule)!!

ukyankoz said...

So glad to read this post! Yay for beating depression, yay for sexy shoes, yay for confidence.

Yay for BN!

Whitney said...

I was on zoloft for awhile but I stopped it because I got HUGE and I felt even worse because I wasn't able to feel any emotions. It was around this time that I decided that I would rather be sad than numb.

I'm so glad you posted this, I really think it's important for people (especially young females) to read that it's okay to feel sad or fat or lonely and that it WILL get better.

Christa said...

Anti-depressants/anxiety meds (Paxil) made me gain about 15-20 pounds. I hated it. Plus, for some reason, that weight has been the hardest weight of my life to lose. I've done it, but it's taken 2 long years.

I think you're amazing and have every right to love yourself.

Lily Johnson said...

I think you look great so you just gotta love yourself. I love the shoes!!

Melissa Blake said...

You're amazing! I just found your blog and already am in love with it! I love your honesty! Kudos to you!

Big Mama said...

That's such a tough place to be - Depression Town - and it's great that you got out. I totally understand the struggle.
You *do* sound awesome on paper :)

Elizabeth Downie said...

That's awesome. Very inspirational! I hope to get to the point you're at where I can list things I like about myself without similtaneously listing things I don't like. lol Thanks for the post!

Caitlin said...

I go to ARC and SCC but I plan on transferring to UC Davis.

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

Glad you're in a good spot. :)

Linda said...

I still take 10 mg of happiness a day. It used to de[rss me that I had to but now I am just grateful for those 10 mg. And so is my family! Cute blog.

The Boob Nazi said...

I see nothing wrong with taking an anti-depressant if it helps you! Don't think I think that everyone can get better without medication! I am all about drugs if they help. They just didn't help me.

cassidy said...

I'm so happy that you're so happy! Depression sucks. I love that you love yourself. And you really are as cool as you sound on paper.

Jillian said...

Oh my goodness- I literally have been in the process of writing a very VERY similar post. I don't mean to be blog creepy, but great minds must think like

Jillian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amander said...

I feel ya, BN. I go through cycles, but overall I'm so much better than I was years ago. It's nice to know others go through the same thing.

Kelsey said...

Wow, this is so nice to hear. I'm still working on liking myself - but yay! there's hope! Okay, honestly? I have giant boobs - and I've always been a fan of more, like, Audrey Hepburn-ish figures. So, working on it. Your blog is so happy and inspiring.

Jen said...

... Straight-edged teeth?

I'm jealous of your awesomeness, on paper and IRL.

Wendyburd1 said...

Agghh! B.N. you got me all crying. I mean in a good way mostly, because maybe some day I will be okay. But bad crying too, because I am currently hating everything about myself. Ughhh!

tiburon said...

Excellent post.

And now I love you.

Not in a creepy stalker way though.

(Maybe a little...)

C'est La Vie said...

GOOD FOR YOU BOOBS!!!!!

I suffered with depression after my divorce, you just gotta look at the bright side I guess!

And I LOVE that you went to Ukraine BY YOURSELF!! What was it that made you pick there??I know we've already talked about it a little bit but now i have more questions OK?!

dcr said...

i recently discovered your blog and i have to ask, "Can I be YOU? Please?" it seems that you have such a great time and i totally love how you're so proud of yourself rather than (entirely) focusing on the negative. thanks for a great start to my day!

and i'll be waiting for my cupcake. i love cupcakes.

The Boob Nazi said...

haha you don't want to be me! I still definitely have my "meh, I hate myself" moments. haha

Kellie said...

My first trip to your old blogaroo an I am impressed. Love your funny side and where is the fat? Boobs are nothing but an asset. Thats coming from someone with plenty. Never doubt yourself! (Hello....360followers!) Keep me laughing!

Devin & Ruthann said...

You rock and I hope I can meet you someday! How cool would that be?!

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