Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 3: WORST DAY EVER aka I'M GIVING UP

So. I take it you can tell by the title that it didn't go so well today. But can you tell by the title that I drank caffeine on an empty stomach and did the splits in front of everyone and pole danced? Probably not. Now, you might be laughing because HELLO, CAFFEINE IS NOT ALCOHOL. But it is to me, my friends. It is to me.

The day started out awesome. It actually ended amazingly as well! I just didn't follow my rules. I was in a fantastic mood all day. I didn't cry at work, which was amazing, because it was dementia day. I was happy. I had some hummus and chips for lunch. I got out early. I prepared for tomorrow's sessions. I rounded on tomorrow's patients. I rocked. Class was canceled, so I drove around for a little bit and ended up just sitting on the grass under a tree at the park our BBQ was at and reading a book. I did that for two hours. It was fabulous. Unfortunately, I was so nervous about the stupid BBQ that I didn't really eat much all day. So I was shaking from hunger.

Then, I did something stupid. I drank a cup of diet coke. I don't know why I did it! It was SUCH A TERRIBLE IDEA. I know not to drink caffeine on an empty stomach. But the hamburgers weren't ready yet, and I needed something to put in my stomach to ease the nervousness. So I drank it. Then, 15 minutes later, I ate half of a hamburger. Definitely not enough to soak up the caffeine! So I was buzzed. I was at my comedic best though. However, I was definitely loud, brash, and suggestive. DANGIT, BOOB NAZI!!!!!!!!!

During a break, I was waiting to talk to my professor about aphasia vs. primary progressive aphasia. A student was talking to her and taking forever, so I got a little bored. I caught my friend Lindsay's eye and began pole dancing. I'm not really sure why. BUT I DID. I KNOW. THIS WASN'T IN THE RULES!!!!!! So I was pole dancing up at the front (but nobody was paying attention, I swear), and one of my supervisors saw me. I was like, UMMMM, HI, THIS ISN'T FOR YOU. PLEASE TURN AWAY!!!!!! She and a bunch of the supervisors were just staring. Go, Boob Nazi, go. I stopped and just stood there sheepishly, and they all looked away.

But no. I wasn't done embarrassing myself for the night. All of us (the second year SLPs) were getting together for a picture, and I ran in the front of everybody and yelled, "SO... SHOULD I DO THE SPLITS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE FOR THE PICTURE?!?!?" Then I dropped into the splits, stuck one hand on the ground, stuck the other in the air, and did spirit fingers. Everyone kind of laughed. I was like, WTF DID I JUST DO??? I said, "I swear, it was a joke!!" Someone said, "It's not a joke if you actually did them." Umm, I meant a joke for the picture!!! I got up before it was taken!!!

And if you don't believe me, here's photographic evidence of the grass stain on my knee:

I know. I know. WTF. Who do I think I am???

Also, many guys were there. Did I talk to any of them I would be interested in? No. Did I utilize my strategies? No. Did I get slapped on the butt? YES. I was violated. I hate when I'm being all shy. You might think I'm not shy because of the whole pole dancing and splits thing, but seriously, I AM SO SHY. I hate it! And it's hard to convince people of it because they might only experience it once in a while. Shyness sucks.

My teacher did tell me I was looking good though! In a non-molesterish kind of way. In a "wow, you used to wear BYU sweatshirts all the time and now you're pretty! WTF" kind of way.

Day 3: Um, complete and utter failure. The only thing I succeeded on was not being forward... Because I cannot physically be forward. I CANNOT. I practiced conversations. I practiced introductions. I didn't do any of them. Instead, I danced with a pole and broke my leg muscles by doing the splits.

Number of guys who think I'm dateable enough to ask me out: 0

And hi, I can't walk now due to doing the splits. AHHHHHHHH Must do splits more often in private to warm myself up.

52 comments:

stewbert said...

*giggle*

Sounds like a fun party to me! hehe

Wendyburd1 said...

Oh BN!! I sounds like a good reason to quit to me! LOL! Your supervisors, really?!!

Homesick Cajun said...

Haha...I would totally say the whole "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you" thing but it doesn't sound like you're laughing!! I'd take you to a party with me though, sounds like you had fun!!

Alexandra said...

AWESOME. I love these "tips" and "strategies" i laugh my face off at all. go cougars lol

C.J. said...

This reminds me of my life around the time I met Jim. I'm normally pretty talkative, but I liked him, so whenever he was around, I turned red, had nothing to say, and walked off. I also did quite a few stupid things, but they generally involved snorking pop in class, etc.

I wish I could do a split.

Elizabeth Downie said...

I'm way impressed that you can do the splits!! I am afraid to even try!

MamaBear said...

i think they were all speechless b/c they never imagined you actually COULD do a split, and they were super jealous. truly.

i disagree with the rules anyway. if you can't get a man while being YOURSELF, you can't keep a man b/c eventually you'll have to let yourself out. :D

Torgersons said...

Oh my gosh. This post was hilarious. I'm depressed I missed the pole dancing. It's funny to see this whole story from your point of view because I just thought you were hilarious. I wasn't thinking "brash, obnoxious," etc. It was just a hilarious night, thanks to you. The splits were the highlight of it all. The crowning glory, if you will.

just call me jo said...

It's a good thing you don't drink alcohol. You'd be naked and in jail by now... I don't know what to say--you're kind of a self-defeating missle. (I know because I are one too!) I did get married though I never really dated either. So there's hope (I think). No, I'm sure--there's hope! Just be careful, BN. You could hurt something important.

Alexandra said...

Ahahaha I'm sorry for your pain and embarrassment, but this totally made my morning.
Also, "dementia day," while catchy ( I love repeating sounds, what can I say), sounds depressing. Good job on not crying.

Wonder Woman said...

I wish caffeine did that to me. Life o' the party, here I come!

I haven't done the splits since my last cheerleading tryout. I think my muscles would snap off if I attempted them now. So props for doing the splits and being able to walk afterward!

Kristina P. said...

I think someone is going to be featured in an episode of "Intervention!"

Mhana said...

I first met my husband at a BBQ where I knew no one and felt really awkward. We stood their striking power stances the whole time to see if anyone would notice how heroic we looked. I didn't do the splits, but I looked foolish.

ChloƩ said...

haha oh julie..you kill me. i love how drinking diet coke on an empty stomach is like getting you drunk! man.. i wish doing that made me feel drunk..since i do it every day..wait what?

haha, anyway, wish i could have been there to see all this.. miss you friend! i hope you are doing fabulous!

Erin said...

This is definitely starting out to be quite a week. I love spirit fingers! Good luck to you...

Genavee said...

I'm sure the gregarious pole dancing and splits action averaged with the shyness puts you in a nice, happy medium. Right?

Erin said...

I can't do caffeine on an empty stomach, either. I stopped it altogether, actually...I get totally buzzed and shaky and sweaty and then eat vast amounts of food to try and soak it up. LOL.

Wish you had other more incriminating photos to go along w/ this!!!

Heather Lee said...

I love you a little bit more. If that's even possible.

NIKOL said...

I'm truly amazed that the pole dancing and demonstration of remarkable flexibility didn't attract more male attention. I will never understand boys.

Karen said...

Around my house, we just call that Tuesday.

Little Lovables said...

well, at least you were able to open up future conversations, so that's a good thing!

guy: "so, are you that girl that did the splits? that was kinda cool"

you: "you think so? how embarrassing, but it was funny i guess"

guy: "no for real, it was kind of hot, I like a girl that can laugh at herself and have fun"

you: "wanna diet coke?"

ha! ;)

kayla & tyler said...

haha this whole post made me die of laughter!! i really wish I could have been there to witness all of this. I would have been hysterically laughing in the corner.

Christa said...

I'm almost immune to caffeine. It probably would have taken around 35 Diet Cokes for it to do something like that to me. Even on an empty stomach.

Dave Lucy & Marley Gurney said...

I think your freaking awesome. Why do you want to change? Trust me. You better be yourself 100% of the time, so when that certain guy does come around he likes you for who you REALLY are. To me its pretty obvious that your pretty smart, and awesomely fun. Don't change. At all. Seriously.

Dave Lucy & Marley Gurney said...

P.s. Just so you know i'm not some creeper! :) Just a semi-bored SAHM

Brooke said...

You can do the SPLITS?!!! JEALOUS! I did ballet for years and still never got very close to the ground.

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Seriously ... if you can do the splits in front of poeple I say do it! That would impress me enought that I might even ask you out ;-)

perkiwindy said...

I don't think your shy....Maybe you just don't know how to communicate? heheheh You communicate your point of view well in writing though, and I totally enjoy it!

Dani said...

that's one way to advertise your talents!

brandy said...

I just caught up on your posts this week and am dying of laughter!

I'm just impressed that you can DO the splits and then remember the spirit fingers! Your bringing back some memories :)

I can't wait to hear what the rest of the week has in store for you!!

Datin'Kait said...

Do you think it's insulting when people make comments about someone looking good all of the sudden as if to say that the person looked like total butt before? I've always found comments like that really insulting as opposed to flattering, and would probably be liable to punch the person saying that in the face if they ever said it to me.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

I know it probably wasn't funny to you but I laughed out loud this entire post. The teacher comment cracked me up!

Amander said...

Shy? No.

Anyone who solicits attention like that is NOT shy.

Social anxiety? Maybe.

But I'd probably get anxious if I were pole dancing in front of my supervisors too ;)

You are one of a kind, Julie.

Karls said...

Oh! How I've missed thee, Boob Nazi's, adventures! You don't need drugs girl... a sip of diet coke does more than a couple of lines of amphetamines anyway! Go, Boob Nazi, Go! Go! Go! Go!

Craig said...

I think employment would help you.

The Boob Nazi said...

Chubbs, SHUT YO' MOUTH.

Celia said...

I love you. Lots.

ASDmomNC said...

I wonder what would happen if you ever ate an alcohol spiked piece of chocolate? If you ever do, be sure to have a video camera handy. :D

magically ordinary said...

I think all the men around you are blind and dumb. You are one hot mama! (:

Jo said...

The next time we get together, I am so giving you diet coke, I gotta see this!

Kristin said...

I wouldn't call it complete and utter failure. You showed moxie lady!

Katie said...

Wow....I can't even come close to doing the splits.

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

Definitely not a failure. You gave yourself plenty to write about! ;o) And you made lots of us laugh. LOL

HeatherOz said...

Regroup Girl!
Start fresh tomorrow!

karajean said...

This is hilarious. Also, it makes me want to try to follow the how-to-be-dateable advice. Because heavens knows I am not doing it now. I'm supposed to walk around smiling? What?

Sue said...

I was amused all along, but when I read Craig's comment, I actually laughed out loud. The solution for all things!!!!!

pook555 said...

I love these posts, they are very funny. But don't feel bad, caffeine makes me feel all weird and jittery too. At least you didn't almost pass out from heatstroke which may or may not have happened to me at a BBQ once (but in my defense it was like 95 degrees with heavy humidity).

Be yourself and you'll find the right guy - trust me!

Brianne said...

For some reason, out of the whole post the line, "You might think I'm not shy because of the whole pole dancing and splits thing, but seriously, I AM SO SHY." Had me SO tickled! I think because I understand where you're coming from.

KatOfDiamonds said...

it least you got an amazingly hilarious post out of it!!

and i am truly sad i missed out on playground pole dancing... ;o)

anna said...

sounds a bit like a car crash, you can't help but stare!

if only they had some planned comedic entertainment, then you wouldn't have to STEP IN and liven up the party!

Feeling Just Right said...

It's okay. The next day is going to be good.

Shannon said...

So, you go to BYU..or you did? Pretty nifty. I did too. And anyways, here I am on Blogger trying to learn my way around it, and I came across yours. I think I'm gonna be your newest follower. :)

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