So. I take it you can tell by the title that it didn't go so well today. But can you tell by the title that I drank caffeine on an empty stomach and did the splits in front of everyone and pole danced? Probably not. Now, you might be laughing because HELLO, CAFFEINE IS NOT ALCOHOL. But it is to me, my friends. It is to me.
The day started out awesome. It actually ended amazingly as well! I just didn't follow my rules. I was in a fantastic mood all day. I didn't cry at work, which was amazing, because it was dementia day. I was happy. I had some hummus and chips for lunch. I got out early. I prepared for tomorrow's sessions. I rounded on tomorrow's patients. I rocked. Class was canceled, so I drove around for a little bit and ended up just sitting on the grass under a tree at the park our BBQ was at and reading a book. I did that for two hours. It was fabulous. Unfortunately, I was so nervous about the stupid BBQ that I didn't really eat much all day. So I was shaking from hunger.
Then, I did something stupid. I drank a cup of diet coke. I don't know why I did it! It was SUCH A TERRIBLE IDEA. I know not to drink caffeine on an empty stomach. But the hamburgers weren't ready yet, and I needed something to put in my stomach to ease the nervousness. So I drank it. Then, 15 minutes later, I ate half of a hamburger. Definitely not enough to soak up the caffeine! So I was buzzed. I was at my comedic best though. However, I was definitely loud, brash, and suggestive. DANGIT, BOOB NAZI!!!!!!!!!
During a break, I was waiting to talk to my professor about aphasia vs. primary progressive aphasia. A student was talking to her and taking forever, so I got a little bored. I caught my friend Lindsay's eye and began pole dancing. I'm not really sure why. BUT I DID. I KNOW. THIS WASN'T IN THE RULES!!!!!! So I was pole dancing up at the front (but nobody was paying attention, I swear), and one of my supervisors saw me. I was like, UMMMM, HI, THIS ISN'T FOR YOU. PLEASE TURN AWAY!!!!!! She and a bunch of the supervisors were just staring. Go, Boob Nazi, go. I stopped and just stood there sheepishly, and they all looked away.
But no. I wasn't done embarrassing myself for the night. All of us (the second year SLPs) were getting together for a picture, and I ran in the front of everybody and yelled, "SO... SHOULD I DO THE SPLITS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE FOR THE PICTURE?!?!?" Then I dropped into the splits, stuck one hand on the ground, stuck the other in the air, and did spirit fingers. Everyone kind of laughed. I was like, WTF DID I JUST DO??? I said, "I swear, it was a joke!!" Someone said, "It's not a joke if you actually did them." Umm, I meant a joke for the picture!!! I got up before it was taken!!!
And if you don't believe me, here's photographic evidence of the grass stain on my knee:
I know. I know. WTF. Who do I think I am???
Also, many guys were there. Did I talk to any of them I would be interested in? No. Did I utilize my strategies? No. Did I get slapped on the butt? YES. I was violated. I hate when I'm being all shy. You might think I'm not shy because of the whole pole dancing and splits thing, but seriously, I AM SO SHY. I hate it! And it's hard to convince people of it because they might only experience it once in a while. Shyness sucks.
My teacher did tell me I was looking good though! In a non-molesterish kind of way. In a "wow, you used to wear BYU sweatshirts all the time and now you're pretty! WTF" kind of way.
Day 3: Um, complete and utter failure. The only thing I succeeded on was not being forward... Because I cannot physically be forward. I CANNOT. I practiced conversations. I practiced introductions. I didn't do any of them. Instead, I danced with a pole and broke my leg muscles by doing the splits.
Number of guys who think I'm dateable enough to ask me out: 0
And hi, I can't walk now due to doing the splits. AHHHHHHHH Must do splits more often in private to warm myself up.