Monday, July 19, 2010

Last Night, I Broke the Chair I Was Sitting In

This is an extremely embarrassing story for me to tell. I'm only telling it here because I like to think the more you tell a story and the more people you tell it to, the funnier it gets to you. It's either telling the story or becoming anorexic. You can all laugh at me and point fingers and call me fat. It's okay. I'm over it. (sniff sniff)     

Last night, the parents and I were planning on driving to Lake Tahoe to BBQ. However, I didn't want to drive because I was reading, and my dad didn't want to drive because he's lazy. Normally, I always drive when we're together because he drives about as fast as a snail. It drives me nuts. Before we left, I was chatting with Chubbs on facebook, and he said, "Hey, you should come visit the babies." So we brought our BBQ to their house. They have 3 children and 2 adults. Their table seats 6. When we come and visit, we have to bring in other chairs.      

I was wearing my super cute pink dress I got at Nordstrom Rack for approximately 20 bucks. It has no sleeves and is pretty short. I was feeling hot. rawr. I had make up on, which isn't a likely occurrence in the summer. It's too hot to put make up on. (aka I get sweaty)

Chubbs and my dad barbecued while I watched Up while the babies were playing around me. (E sat in my lap while rocking on the rocking chair. It was fun.) I am a sucker for that movie haha. The food was ready, so we moved to the table. My dad got the computer chair. I got the plastic outside chair that had been sitting in the 100 degree heat for the past week. It was dirty, so I put a napkin on the chair, which was steaming. It was the hottest chair I've ever sat in. I mentioned that it was hot, boooo. (The heat must have made it weak, RIGHT?!?!?) Then we said the prayer. I got a piece of chicken and placed it on my plate. I needed a knife. Joanna got knives and placed them on the table. I grabbed one and started to eat the delicious chicken. (Trying to establish a time line here.)

I started feeling like the chair was sinking, and BAM. The chair collapsed, the legs splintering into pieces. I fell on my back, literally, with my feet in the air, still sitting in the chair. I somehow fell on my ankle first, so it was red and hurt. I started laughing and kind of crying at the same time. B came over and asked me, "DID YOU GET A BLACK EYE?!?" (He gave himself one this past week.) I said, "Um, no." I was still crying because I was laughing so hard. E started yelling, "DUWIE, ARE YOU OKAY?!? DUWIE, ARE YOU OKAY? DUWIE, ARE YOU OKAY? DUWIE, ARE YOU OKAY?" I finally had to yell, "I'm fine, E! I'm FINE!!!" I rolled out of the chair (probably exposing my spanx, tear), still laughing. I looked down at my ankle. It was red and stung a little bit.

I went and grabbed the ottoman from the rocking chair. I sat in it, all sad and dejected. I considered anorexia. I considered going to the gym for 5 hours a day while at my parents' house.

And then my sister in law said, 

"That totally reminded me of Shallow Hal. You know, when the girl sits in the chair and breaks it and lands flat on her back?"

I said, "JOANNA, SHE WAS LIKE FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHH and breaking into sobs (but not really).

Joanna: "No, I didn't mean it that way! I just meant because you fell!"

Me: "I'M NEVER EATING AGAIN!!!!"

(Please note that my sister in law DID mean it in a comparing the whole breaking chair thing and not the whole fat thing, so no hating on her, okay?)

Gym time: Upped.
Food intake: Lowered.

Self esteem: NON-EXISTENT.

32 comment(s):

Krissa said...

oh gosh...im sorry...

seriously...the thought enters my mind whenever i sit on a chair thats not like dependable and sturdy that ill break it...seriously my worst nightmare...

Elizabeth Downie said...

Oh no! That's awful! But honestly, it could have happened to anyone. It was a hot plastic chair. You just happened to be the one who sat in it. :(

Stephanie Faris said...

Ouch! I'm glad you're okay. I know all too well the feeling of being embarrassed while everyone around you is just checking to make sure you're okay! I fell through the ceiling once...I was walking through my attic and my foot slipped off the beam and onto the thin floor that was also the ceiling of the garage. It was embarrassing because at the time I'd put on some weight and I just felt like everyone who heard the story would think it had something to do with that.

Lauren Kay said...

Oh that's awful! I have that fear that I'll sit on a chair that's weak somehow and then it will break. It was definitely the hot plastic. I'm sure of it! Thanks for sharing it though, I agree with you that the more you tell it the funnier and less humiliating it becomes!

C.J. said...

It's happened to everybody. Really. One time, I was sitting at a neighbor's house, in one of those folding aluminum lawn chairs, and I sunk right into the driveway. There are, I'm sure, to this day, four perfect 5" holes as a souvenir. One of my best friends, who's a king-sized gentleman, broke one of my dining room chairs. However, about a month later, my sister, who, putting things in perspective, is 5'8 and (naturally) about 100 pounds, broke another dining room chair. The moral of the story: sometimes, it's just the chair.

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder but you can call me Judy said...

It was definitely the chair! Plastic eventually disintegrates outside in the elements. It might take longer than paper, but it still happens. (The main reason people like to keep it out of the landfills, is because it's buried and not exposed to the sun, so it takes years and years longer to break down).

It definitely wasn't you. Sorry for your 'exposure', but thanks for sharing what happened.

:::hugs:::

Lemme said...

i totally broke a chair over easter weekend. i was with new friends and we were all playing spoons...so i blamed it on the fast and aggressive nature of the game. it's been 3 months and the moment still haunts me.

Kristina P. said...

I'm sure it was totally a metaphor for something.

CC said...

Omg, poor you! On the bright side, you have not only found yourself an excuse to hit the gym and cut back on carbs but you've also given me the incentive I so badly needed. ;)
Xx

Julie said...

Sorry BN!!

I'm not going to say I know how you feel, but my mom totally does. The same thing happened to her at a 4th of July get together (same type of chair too). I think it's because the heat makes plastic more fragile.

She's wary of those chairs now though.

**virtual boost of self esteem**

Julie said...

Sorry BN!!

I'm not going to say I know how you feel, but my mom totally does. The same thing happened to her at a 4th of July get together (same type of chair too). I think it's because the heat makes plastic more fragile.

She's wary of those chairs now though.

**virtual boost of self esteem**

stewbert said...

those chairs suck. they need to be replaced yearly because they do weaken from the changes in weather, heat, cold, sun, etc.

Mhana said...

We had a chair with a tricky back -- it looked whole but in fact if you leaned against it it would fall apart. Everyone who LIVED in the house knew this and was careful. Visitors never were and we always forgot to warn them. It go so that we'd freak out every time it broke like our guest was some huge person who couldn't sit in a wooden chair without snapping the back. It wasn't all that nice, but it was kind of funny from the other perspective. Sorry about the chair.

Christa said...

I'm sorry. Is your ankle feeling okay?

This hasn't ever happened to me, but I worry that it might. So, I avoid those type of chairs at all costs.

Hizzeather said...

bah ha ha! That is HILARIOUS! I know it felt embarrassing, but it is really funny! And you were with family, so it will probably be a joke from now on, but that's what families do. You are right to share it and laugh about it. It wasn't you, it was the chair. Plastic gets weaker in the heat, and we all know it is hot as hell here right now!

Katie said...

I'm sure it was totally the...crazy hot practically melting on the spot...chair.

The Frisky Virgin said...

Oh no! Thank goodness you're okay! And, um, if someone had compared what just happened to a scene in Shallow Hal, I probably would have burst into tears. lol

I'm sure the chair was melting like the witch in Wizard of Oz...it just couldn't cry out, "I'm melting, melting!"

Launa said...

If it makes you feel any better my ninety year old grandma fell (well, the chair kinda just bent to the side and she slide to the ground) out of one of those hot, plastic chairs. Stupid thing! Hope you're feeling better today!

Dani said...

Everybody knows that heat plays a HUGE role in the breaking of plastic chairs. Totally not your fault.

Alexandra said...

That reminds me of when I was in high school and a friend of mine collapsed one of the lunchroom tables by sitting on it. Okay, she sort of jumped onto it, but still, she collapsed it.
Breaking a chair would still be really embarrassing, though.

kirstyb said...

oh dear for the chair x

samnhal said...

That's sad and hilarious all at the same time. I'm pretty sure the sun did do something. It's like when it's super hot and the roads are sticky. The chair just couldn't stand the heat and so with the smallest amount of pressure applied to it it couldn't stand up anymore, the legs were just too rubbery. Does that sound scientific at all? Just pretend it does, and that's why the chair broke, because you're not 400 pounds.

Tiffany said...

That bites!! I'm sorry!! But I agree it would of happened to anyone that sat in the chair.....

We live in a Zoo! said...

It can only get funny, lol! Its happened to me more times than you'd think. I guarantee it had more to do with the crappy chair than it had to do with your weight.

Julianna said...

Awww, no worries girl... Those chairs are like jello in the sun. I think I may have stress fractured my foot this week due to my shaply figure. How's that for my esteem boost (and I'm still well under 200lbs.) Whatever. I'm goona hobble into the kitchen and indulge in some ice cream now. :) -J

stewbert said...

oh hey, if it makes you feel better, i broke a full-sized trampoline when i was 12. i didn't weigh 400 pounds either, and was probably half as big as i am now. my heel caught a little hole just right (wrong) and i ripped a kid-sized hole right through that sucker.

it was our neighbor's.

Crazy Shenanigans said...

Don't feel bad, I've broke a chair before. It was at a family gathering and the chair literally fell into the floor.

bananas. said...

oh noooooooo!!! that's horrible!!! i would HATE if that happened to me. i mean i've fallen off chairs...and couches...and beds...but never broken a chair.

i say blame the luck, not the food.

Amander said...

Ahhhh, gotta appreciate those moments that make you hate yourself. Thanks for sharing :)

Chels... said...

Don't you love when things like that can make you want to swear off food for eternity?

I guess it could have been worse. You could have landed on a small animal.. or something. It's all about perspective, man.

I love that you can (sort of) laugh at yourself. Way to be! ;)

Celia said...

You are seriously the most amusing writer (and real person, of course). I am laughing so hard. But, at the same time, I feel incredibly horrible the chair broke! It happened to me at a crowded cafe and I had to leave...so I understand. Stupid chair.

Emily said...

I think this has much more to do with the chair than with you... I broke a chair a couple of years ago (a plastic yard chair also). Thankfully I didn't get anything hurt but my pride.

They say disaster + time = humor. I know my family certainly believes this, because they love to retell the story.

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